Sigh

It pains me to say that after multiple conversation I’ve been told I was stupid and just right now on my bus ride it clicked in that I was stupid. But maybe not???

I blocked the guy I love when I got fired from my previous employer. I did it out of my own fear of being rejected and insecurities. He had mentioned, or rather suggested before that he doesn’t prefer to date insecure girls and that if I was so insecure about his relationship with his best friend (girl he previously dated, has clothes in her place, manages his business) it wouldn’t work out. I also kept looping on the fact that he said he loved that I was financially independent, so I concluded that in my fall he wouldn’t back me down. Rather than giving him the benefit of the doubt or letting him disappoint me I just left✌️. 

Stupid wasn’t leaving him. No. Because truly if it’s meant to be we will find our way back to each other. Stupid was me leaving him trying to avoid pain and then self inflicting it by going back to the guy who put his hands on me and liked to fuck me even when I wasn’t in the mood. Stupid because I thought that because I had fallen so far down i needed to be punished further. 

I now see that came from a place of hatred, not love. I’m doing a year of celibacy, almost two months in. This one is about being with me while also no longer sheltering myself. Being more social, outgoing, explorative. I feel like we all need to meet ourselves in the middle and find out what we like. So far I’ve noticed the world isn’t lacking in lovely people. I honestly thought only one maybe three people can fully understand you. Now I understand that life is for the one who works for it. You work through points of views… well, I’ve arrived at work. Ttyl 👋.