I don't know how to feel..

Happy Birthday to me, I suppose.

Today I turn 32, and it should be a happy occasion. I have plenty of reasons to celebrate my life. A group of people that love, and care about me. That want nothing but good things for me.

But, I don't know how to tell them that I don't enjoy being alive.

It's two birthdays now since my Dad passed ( from cancer ), and I feel the pit in my chest growing larger with each day. I just want to close my eyes, and let the darkness take me. It's all too much.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do with this life. It feels like I've done nothing with it.

So many wasted months spent in my bedroom, avoiding the world. Escaping into a fantasy I desperately clung to, because the world around me was too painful to deal with. It still is to some extent.

The people I wanted to be here to celebrate with me, are either dead or have cut me off. ( I'm not surprised. During those days I was un-medicated and the shit I put them through was unfair. I take full responsibility for my actions. )

I can't help but feel like my being alive was a mistake. It was pure happenstance that my parents met in a bar, and in the hotel room where I was conceived...I swear it shouldn't have happened. Neither of them should have had a kid.

Don't get my wrong, I love them...in whatever twisted way that my heart feels, but this is the reality of the situation. My Mother really wasn't fit to have kids, she never healed from the trauma she went through and in turn unleashed it upon me.

It was a similar situation with my Dad. He was there for me, and then he wasn't. ( Spent a while as an alcoholic, and spent years wandering around being a nomad. ) It was unfair, not having him around, but my Mother kept him away from me.

But he didn't try hard enough to be there.

I spent so many nights alone in my bedroom, wishing for parents that actually cared enough to be present. Instead of hiding behind substances and "pretty words".

Published by Unsleeping

I don't know how to feel..

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