wednesday was good i think.
i went to class and the professor spoke to me
he wasnt mad
and i felt relief until i realized that i had missed another test
and another assignment or two
and a lack of anger doesnt change the F grade.
i took the train after class to 23rd street
got a hot taro milk tea even though i wasnt anywhere near cold enough for it
i knew the sugar would make me feel sick but i didnt really care
i had planned it, and sticking to the plan was what would make me feel happier
i walked to union square
went to the big four story barnes and nobles on broadway because it was the only one in the city carrying the book i wanted
my messenger bag had been too heavy on my shoulder for a while
a nagging pain that stained the area of skin it rested on with an ugly red
and the store was so large and there was so much and there with no signs to guide me
i felt better once i found what i was looking for.
i went to the park
i wanted to read there but there were so many benches
and too many people
i walked an indecisive lap or two before deciding to just give up
a band called incircles was playing outside the subway station entrance
i took a pin and a keychain and a poster
and felt guilt when i realized it was the second to last one
and felt shame when i realized i took it without even looking at it
it advertised a show that i knew i wouldnt even be able to make it to
but i had already folded it up and i didnt want to return it
the band was really nice
i tipped my last two dollars and regretted that i couldnt give more
its not good for me to keep walking around alone
in the dark on almost empty streets
everyone here has things figured out
they secure themselves in pairs and groups
they walk and laugh and live with eachother
in support of eachother
theyre all confident and comfortable and sure of themselves
how can i support the weight of the person i want to be without a foundation?
I'm a worn wooden pillar in the mud.
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