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Yeah I forgot to write on Monday lol. Nothing eventful rlly happened.
Same thing for today. When I got to school dragon was already there so we talked a bit, when to the watercolor classroom, set up the tables n said stuff until my classmates arrived.
Needless to say I hate watercolors still. Cus I suck at them. So I'm insecure ab it cus I can't live knowing I'm not the best at whatever I'm doing. Narcissism very much lmao. Also I talked too much with Dragon. Is just that I start talking and can't stop
The hate I feel for berry is so deep. And it should be this. It should cut me this much. The blade shouldnt feel this deep in the middle of my chest. But it's like I can't live without a one sided nemesis. Like, actually. It's so fucking weird. I just don't wanna fucking have any feeling towards him. Like he's a fucking cardboard. And is it what happened last year? Is this a search for this nemesis? Is this jealousy related to not be out and on t like him? Is it a mix of the three? I don't fucking know.
But I know I shouldnt have all this hate. Do I have an organ just for hate or smth? Fucking hell. Make it stop. And not being out is so fucked. And I draw dysphoria shit. So if I make sketch and show it to my profs as smth I wanna work on and do a finalized drawing on? They're not stupid. Will they feel insulted cus I'm not open ab it? Idfk.
But I can't but draw ab it. And it feels so embarrassing in a way. I draw ab my feelingsm but this feels so much deeper, it's like I'm showing on paper my veins, my blood, my flesh, what's behind my eye.
Idk. Today I'm a mess, watercolor makes me a mess cus again, I suck at it so it puts me in a bad mood like it did last year.
I fucking hate watercolors
We had editorial after watercolor. I showed the prof my finalized drawings and they're all good except for a small adjustment to one
I need a cigarette and a lobotomy
Anyway after classes I got to the bus and at my first stop I met Retriever. Probably waiting for Berry or some shit.
He looked surprised of seeing me? Idk.
I was a bit nervous from drinking my monster too fast, we just said hi n I was a bit weird I'll admit but I was just getting the rush from too much caffeine. Anyway didn't say anything else, just got on my bus after waiting too much.
That's ab it, see ya
A ghost writing from the grave, signing off
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