october 17. 2023

i got he job!!!! ur looking at spencers newest assistant manager!! :DD 

the interview went from 1300 to 1600 !!?!??!? we chatted and laughed and since i worked in a funeral home we opened up abt death views (we share views on death (irish canadian funeral is a cremation and then a wake where everyone gets so drunk they black out)) and we talked abt potentially transferring me to another store if i move to go to college for it. theres only one english school for funeral directing in ontario so i need to move to west of toronto for it. 

after it i went out w my current managers to celebrate a birthday and i got so drunk i got kicked out for beating up my friend (3 punches in the arm hardly a beat up) but im embarrased

ive been drinking heavily and not getting drunk for months and 2 weeks in a row i get drunk enough to embarrass myself and forget my meds. the first time i didnt know what caused it so i would just take my lithium and bc pill (i would wake up early and didnt wanna take seroquel bc it makes u drowsy). 

the seroquel is what causes it so i took 200mg (half dose) of my old immediate release that i had saved and no withdrawal!! when i dont take any seroquel i get cold sweats, hot flashes, puking, nausea, dizziness, and like vertigo where it feels like im falling. it also causes hallucinations and tics so i have no choice but to stay home.

anyways glad i figured that out.

i also got way closer w the friends i have and im really grateful to have finally made friends in the area, i love being around them and they actually like me its weird. im not used to being vulnerable but my friend experienced death and that was the first time i felt i should say i loved them back. and its like a new world!! i  dont have to get hammered to hug ppl anymore i can just be there and let myself say love back and express it with gifts.

also as a prologue someone who  crossed boundaries came back into my life and is trying to win me back. hes promising things and im being cautious but i think i will give him the chance to prove himself. if hes good on his word i would be able to live a good life with someone who wants me around an wants to take care of me.

p.s. i just had a flashback to being 11 n being obsessed w putting p.s. on all of my blog posts lol