aftermath

I r3lapsed again. I’m not even disappointed. I just, I feel a huge relief off of my shoulders. Nothing helps anymore, I feel like an empty shell, it feels as if I’m a treasure box in which everyone took my treasure, now I’m just a box. Nothing left, so people use it to store their unimportant items. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate everything, everyone. I hate everything so much I can’t even express how much I hate the entirety of anything in this universe. Why is it always me? It’s corny but im realistically speaking here. Why do people come and then act as if they do care about me, then leave whenever they find someone else to talk to, was I just a way to test someone’s social skills? I guess so. It feels pointless at this point, I wish I could stop feeling anything, I don’t care at what risk, I wish I couldn’t feel any emotion, not even physical pain can distract me from emotional pain, it basically has me in a chokehold. 

I’m trying my best. Please someone see that. Please someone do something please get rid of me please help me please please please why can’t I get better why can’t I be normal why can’t I just be happy why why why please get rid of me please make me reach for a light if there is one please lead me to the other side where I no longer get to to be physically conscious in a piece of flesh in which I crave to remove. Please. I just want to be normal. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. Please don’t let me wake up today. I just want to be loved. I don’t even get that from my own girlfriend. She hates me, she gives me empty promises. She says things but it feels as if she doesn’t mean it. Am I just being selfish? Am I just asking for too much? 

Please. Don’t let me wake up. Please take me away.

take me away from being stuck in this flesh. 

please. get rid of me.

- james.