stuck

tw: suicidal ideation

I'm so tired. I'm so tired of the way that things are going, and I'm tired of pretending that its ok. Shit is awful right now. Absolutely terrible. I'm not coping I'm not ok its not fine. I tell people that it is but it really isn't and when people try to help its worse. I'm exhausted. I'm failing in my classes I'm a failure. I can't get enough work done I can barely focus. I do my hardest and I try and I try again and I don't get where I need to be. If I was ok then why do I have suicidal urges all the time. why do I keep fucking up my friendships keep staying with people who hurt me keep hurting people I care about. I can't even do DnD right. I fucked my game I fucked it over and all that work feels like it might be for nothing. What do I even do with my life then. What do I even have. What am I working for when I don't want anything I just want it all over. Why can't I catch a fucking break. Why can't I have nice things. I want to live I want to be happy why can't I have that after all of this time. Why can't I get my work done why can't I be the friend people need me to be why can't I just foster healthy relationships and boundaries. I want to be free, I want to be happy. I want to be seen, I don't want to be miserable. why am I like this