hit rock bottom (going to new jersey by choice)

things are never gonna get better

i've got F grades across the board

my mom finally let me submit my accessibility forms but its far too late to make a difference

theres something fundamentally wrong with me and we've both known for a while

but now that i'm an 'adult' she can accept it because its not her problem anymore

i'm losing momentum

can't get out of bed no matter where i stay

theres really no point

i haven't made any friends or acquaintances

and everything in this city is too fucking expensive

i buy food every time i go out and the freshman 15 is starting to catch up to me

i came back from jersey tonight

i hate it there more than here but the scenery is nice

i missed seeing trees

but i dont think seeing the greenery is worth the mental strain of staying in that house where i sink into the mattress until my my body aches from its own gravity

i dont eat or drink or move 

any noise from outside the room freezes me for another half hour

this time i was paralyzed for so long that i didnt leave until the last possible moment

i got back to my dorm and dropped off my things and went back out and came back in

but actually i dont think i've moved a single inch since September

i have no job and no friends and no progress on any of the goals i had set out to do

i'm petrified corpse condemned to remain where i lay

somewhere out in the marshlands

until whatever's left of me finally rots away