post death and thoughts

trigger warnings: talk of suicide

we're going to pretend like my last post wasn't cringe as hell even though cringe is dead. it exists for me specifically honestly.

picked up a book from the library today- where the light goes, by sara barnard. it's about the little sister of a celebrity who commits suicide. i haven't finished it yet, but when my mother picked me up from the library to have dinner, I had to talk and eat like I hadn't just been punched in the face emotionally.

the raw grief in the book rolls over you in waves. call me selfish, because, hell, i am, but i never tried to consider what it would be like for the people around me if i commited suicide. my thoughts on it were: i had to cope with depression, so you will have to cope with this. which is cruel, really. somehow i just assumed they'd wake up a year from then and not feel pain anymore. not like it'd be a black hole of pain, swallowing you whole, while you go in kicking and screaming with denial that all this is happening, that the person you love is gone, forever, by their own calculating hand. 

if Sapphire, the person i care about right now, dies- from her health issues that she refuses to specify to me, or from whatever else could take her away and make sure we'd never see each others' faces despite the years of knowing each other- I think I'd lose it. I'd shatter. I would break and I would end it all, medicated or not. 

depression is so personal. I personally cannot fathom other people experiencing the same pain i have. maybe i don't think about others' emotions enough, but it just seems like a me thing, this suffering belongs to me only, something nobody else has ever gone through or will ever go through. but if i die, they will. can you believe it's taken me 4 years for this to sink in? i sure can! 

will probably update when I finish the book. i hate to say it, but medication helped me a little too much, by which i mean it eliminated like half of my brain activity so now nothing really spins around in my brain other than Hozier's song lyrics and one singular videogame. but ill find a way to blog about those too. 

if you've read this, if you haven't, i hope you have a lovely day and that you're doing okay. that's all from me for now.