Only stress! - 07/09/2023 - 09/10/2023

07/09/2023 - Induction day 3 - Thursdays are only a half day, nothing much happened. The only interesting thing that happened was that the really cool punk person that gets on my bus came and talked to me as we were waiting for the bus home! Their name is Ben and they were super nice! 

12/09/2023 - 21/09/2023 - Things had been getting increasingly stressful because our work load increased a staggering amount. Pretty much every week someone has had a mental breakdown. Most days I don't get lunch, its a 15-20 minute walk to town (double that, it takes me about 30-40 minutes to get to and from) and I don't have enough time to get lunch AND do my coursework, so most days I've only been able to have a packet of crisps and a protein bar from the college shop during lunch because I'm just so snowed under with work. I've yet to try the food at the canteen but its just so busy there and after my experience at secondary school in the lunch hall, I prefer to eat in a quiet place, where I can't have slurs and names thrown at me. The hub also doesn't seem to be very good, most of the time I've gone there, there's been nearly no sandwiches, or sandwiches that I'd eat. My mum said I've lost weight and I think due to the stress she said I look ill. My hair also isn't as thick as it used to be. Also pretty much every week, its been a seven day week, I have had no time to myself. I would've had Sundays off but the amount of work I have had to do has rendered me unable to stop. I feel as though we are being treated as machines. 

I started work experience at a museum which means that my Thursday afternoons are no longer free for me to do my coursework. I've been thoroughly enjoying the work experience, we are creating an escape room in one of the gaol cells. 

I've had people meow and bark at me, one of the people who did it looked like a grown ass man too, like a full on beard and everything. I used to be okay with the Papa Roach Cut My Life Into Pieces song (sorry, idk the name of the song so if that's wrong, please let me know) but after so many people kept singing it whenever they saw me, I've become sick of it, which is a shame, I'm not a fan of Papa Roach but I used to not be annoyed whenever I heard that song. Also that stupid fucking MGK emo girl song, that has always bugged me, I hate that song, I don't like MGK anyway but that song is just more annoying than ever now, I wish people would just shut up, they don't have to say anything or do anything when they see an alt person, its not that hard! 

26/09/2023 - 28/09/2023 - 4th week - Probably the most stressful week so far as we were given a list to complete by next Thursday, as in fully complete. We had to have our illustration sketch book completed with presented samples (20-25 pen/ pencil/ charcoal etc, 15+ coloured samples and week 3 and 4 samples) that were annotated and evaluated, the pattern development folder also needed to be completed (all handouts organised, master pattern, pattern pieces, have our skirt cut out and annotated and evaluated stitch samples), a completed garment research sketch book (minimum of 2 pages of each: shirts/ blouses, dresses, jackets/ blazers and trousers), a completed A3 folder of textile development (12 pencil observational drawings, 4-6 coloured observational drawings, ink samples, 5 felt samples and 9 texture samples) and finally completed 8-10 Japanese research boards with drawings. 

Michelle (our main tutor) told us that week (I think on the 27th) that we had to have that entire list COMPLETED by next Thursday (5th Oct) so we could hand in our work. I told her on the 28th that there were some samples I was unable to do (paint, ink and other particular ones that I couldn't do at home, basically anything outside of drawing with a pencil I cannot do at home), and if I could do them on a Monday or Friday, she told me she and Rebeka (our other tutor who has recently started working at the college) aren't working on those days so I wasn't allowed to come into the classroom to do them and that there was essentially no one that could let me do these other samples on those days, so I asked if I could do them during the lunch hour, and Michelle said that its her lunch hour too and she needs to take a break, so I basically can't do it during the lunch hour either. So what was I supposed to do then??? I can't stay after college because I have to get the bus home, and I get home late enough as it is already (around 18:00-18:30), and I can't get to college before our classes start because again: bus. And we had to get the ENTIRE list COMPLETED by the next Thursday. 

Speaking to the some of my other classmates, I have yet to hear any positive comments on the course, all of them are stressed, some have had to take time off college because they have gotten too stressed or PHYSICALLY ILL due to the stress, feeling overwhelmed with work. 

03/10/2023 - 05/10/2023 - Unfortunately, not everything on the list I was able to complete, mainly because I found out after a one to one talk with Michelle during our tutorial on Wednesday (4th) that we only had to start the list and get as much done as we could... something which she did not say when the list was given to us. I even asked other students if Michelle told us that the entire list had to be completed or not, to which everyone I spoke to said the entire list had to be completed, so Michelle changed the goal post... During our one to one talk, I told her everything that's been going on, how stressed I am, how I have no time to myself, that other people have been feeling stressed and overwhelmed, how my mental health has declined and that I have spoken to student wellbeing (I spoke to them the day before and they offered to ask if my workload could be lowered and they helped me to book a doctors appointment as my mental health has really really declined at a very rapid pace, Michelle does not know that I have been having... thoughts... to say the least) and I wanted to know what would happen financially if I was to leave the course. Michelle asked if lowering the workload would help which I said it would, but I've got a feeling that she's just saying that, I don't think anything is going to be done. 

I'm pretty sure 4-5 people have left in total, one of whom is going to do a computer course instead, and all of those people have left within the last 2 weeks, probably due to stress. I asked my friend Al, who used to go to the college, if this is what its like, and he said no and that he was disgusted at how many people have left and at how much we have to do. I know someone in our class even reported Michelle, I think that shows how bad it has gotten. My dad encouraged me to report her but I don't think that reporting her for moving the goal post once is worth reporting right now, but I am making a note of it just in case it happens again, I am not going to be fucked about. 

My parents have been incredible, they have been helping me get the things I need for the course, even taking me to Grandma's to get stuff printed out when our printer broke, I am extremely grateful for them. I think they're both worried about me though, when I was with the student wellbeing staff, they rang my parents and let them know what's been happening. 

Also on the 5th, I sat next to a person on my bus and they tried to talk to me, asked what course I'm doing and how I'm getting on, etc, and is surprised I'm from the same town as them because they've never seen me around, then I carried on listening to my music, then midway through the journey they talk to me again, at some point once again slips in that they've never seen me around town, then back to listening to music. We got off at the same stop, I got off first and started walking and they literally sped walked to catch up with me and talk to me?? No judgement to them (they did tell me their name but I forgot it) but they're very normally dressed (hoodie and sweatpants) and don't seem like the sort to want to have a genuine conversation with me. Unfortunately, at the time they were trying to talk to me, I was tired, hungry and I just wanted to get home. They seemed very nice though, and really trying to talk to me, but unfortunately I probably appeared as disinterested. They kept making mention of how they have never seen me around town though, I'm not sure why that was so important to them but okay. They even invited me to go to the fair with them this weekend, I declined, however, because I thought I was going to go with Raya. If I see them next Wednesday, I'll have to ask for their name again and apologise for being cold. I'll be honest, I'm still quite perplexed by the experience. Maybe not all normies are bad? But then I would not call them true normies. 

09/10/2023 - I was off Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday, Tuesday I'm also off due to teacher training. I was hanging out with Raya in the park, on a bench, and we saw many strange people pass us as we were trying to eat our subway sandwiches. One guy on a bike slowed right down to pass us and stared at us??? Then he sped up a bit then slowed down and stared back at us again, then he did the same thing again??? He eventually biked off??? Like this was a full grown man? Then, like a few minutes later, a lady walked past us and she was barefoot? And then another lady later on was walking past us as Raya and I were discussing what a bodice is, and every time one of us mentioned the word "bodice", the lady would full on turn around and look at us??? Idfk.