17

TW: manipulation, bdsm shit, stupid sexual dependency

its the night before my 17th birthday. the 16th year of my life is about to come to a close.

I just got led on by someone. They were flirting with me and they knew what I wanted but they used me for what they wanted and left. I’d ask them again and again to be upfront with me, to communicate with me, to tell me what they really want, but they just get what they want and are done. They were aro/ace, and I knew that they were, but they still flirted with me because they knew I’d be willing to hurt them, to buy into their pain fetish. But I didn’t like it. I didn’t like that they didn’t actually give a shit about me or my feelings. They treated me like an object, or a toy. Its funny, because that’s their fetish: to be used and discarded. well, its not mine. and no offense to you ace people, but man, some of you who identify as ace are kinda wack. if you like people hurting you, then you’re a masochist. if it gives you sexual pleasure, even if you dont like traditional sex I feel like thats not asexual. I don’t know. Imm just upset. Its funny, most people think the sadist doesnt have feelings. But in reality, I often feel like the one being used. 

I feel out of place with my new friends. I transfered to a new school, but people are already in established dynamics. I don’t know where I fit. I don’t know who I should care about and who’s willing to care about me. and the ghosts of the people I used to care about years ago still haunt me. the lana del ray my dad has suddenly started to listen to. the way that some girls resemble her. I wish I could get her out of my fucking head, but I’m still not over it. I have such bad attachment issues, I pick people who cause me pain. I actively fucking choose them even though I know its bad for me. I choose them because I wish for a second that they could care about me in the way that she didn’t. And like clockwork every time they don’t. I’m cursed to fucking like people who hurt me. People who use me. Hell, the one healthy boyfriend I had I broke up with instead of fixing things. I’m hypersexual to a fault, more than most teens. I’m a stupid idiot sex addict who can’t seem to find other ways to feel complete, who can’t seem to feel cared about without sex. But the thing is, I don’t get it. I have little stupid flings with people online and its not enough. Its never enough. They dont love me. No one has loved me, not the way I love them. I care too fucking much. It always hurts me in the end.

I help people to a fault. When my friend was having a panic attack yesterday, I stayed and supported them even though I knew it would be triggering. and then it fucked with the rest of my day. It caused me to dissociate during work, and freak out at my friend last night. I can’t get my relationships right, and I can’t tell when to be close or distant from someone. I can’t do this social norms shit. Boundries are so fucking hard. I don’t know how to balance my life and feel satisfied with relationships. I don’t know how to have healthy friends, let alone healthy friends that I’m not fucking. 

I’m behind on my school work. I can’t get shit done during class. I can’t communicate well with my teachers. I can’t do homework. I can barely even pay a little attention in class. The work is piling up and everything is awful. I’m so stressed that I’m getting terrible headaches during school. I can’t talk to people about it, and my therapist is too busy. I don’t have time to fix my problems, the world is moving with or without me. 

The theater director is a egomaniac. She only cares about hearing herself talk, hearing her vision, getting her way. She controls both the production and tech. And we can’t do anything about it. She vetos and controls our ideas. And I can barely find any good and meaningful work to do, so sometimes I just spend my time doing nothing. I can’t be on my phone, but I don’t care about the things people are talking about. They talk about drama about people that I don’t know,  who will never learn my face or talk to me. I want to leave drama behind me, but of course, the fucking theater director is full of it. She incites drama, harasses the crew, and pretty much gave my friend a panic attack. I’m so tired of it, but I can’t leave. We’re barely even half-way through. 

So. I’m turning 17. Two more years until I make it to college, if I even make it. One more year until I’m legal, and then I’ll probably try dating apps or something to meet people in person. I’m tired of all these online people who don’t know how to have basic communication and have no social skills. And the one fucking time I think I find someone who can be interesting and match my energy, they’re playing with me. It fucking sucks. I don’t like it. I just want people my age to grow up. I want people to be able to act like adults, fuck like adults, be adults. And well, I’m one year closer to it. 

I hope this year is better than the last