the future

I've always avoided thinking about the future because a part of me *knows* that I'll die before that ever happens. It feels unreal to think about the long term effects of medically transitioning because I have to think about something that I don't even know will exist.

I look in the mirror and cant fathom that HRT will actually feminize me in any noticeable way and ill just castrate myself without actually affecting how my body looks.

I have a "normal" life that I feel like is passing me by without any effort, emotionally or otherwise, and part of me wants this to be my solve all, but because of how terrible this world is to us, I'm worried that Ill end up ruining something so many would consider good.

I want to feel emotions, full, uncontrollable emotions that actually make me change as a person.

fuck