going to walk walk walk

1. It has been a desolate last few years, I can go to my Papa's house every now and then. I like to hangout with him semi often but its been a little while now, Its hard to go over there now. Ever since my nana passed away, the atmosphere isn't the same, the smell isn't the same. It just feels like I'm counting down till he eventually passes on as well. I haven't had a lot of positive role models in my life, I cant even say my papa is a good man. But he was the only male role model in my life, I just want to make him happy. He taught me a lot about being a man, and I don't think I could ever disappoint him. I guess compared to everyone else he has always been very understanding and caring towards me. Maybe its because my lack of a dad that he felt the need to be a mentor. I can tell he is scared of the modern world, he bars his front and back door with a chair along with a few extra locks. I couldn't imagine what's its like losing your second wife too early. I'm afraid of leaving for boot camp, what if he passes away while I'm away. I'm not sure what I would do if that happened. I'm desensitized to death, It follows me around a lot But I'm just not sure if I can deal with this one.

2. I've been pushed away from a lot of places in my life, I truly feel like an outsider. I don't hold any hate to those who cant understand me, hate me, even those who just want me to fade away. It's just crushing weight of it all that starts to hurt in a way pain medication cant get to go away. All the years of being alone, now and in my earlier years has made me unsatisfied with all life can offer. I have met those I love, and I cant say I find that feeling of love very often but its never enough, I can never trust again. Not that its me that I cant trust, but the years of thick skin keeps everyone out. I think a lot of the places where pain comes from. Even blood has no level of kindness. 5 years ago I lived with all my siblings and I had the chance to come back to it as an adult and just as I felt then I felt now. My birthday celebrations stopped a long time ago when I realized my life meant very little to those around me. It's hard to hold myself up tall, I find it hard to stop slouching when the weight is so crushing. 

My room was nothing more then a trash heap, as if I as nothing more then a guest for days instead of a resident for many years, Anything I left was either trash that was destroyed somehow or throw around on the floor. Its a harsh reality when you have no reason to ever stay longer then 30 minutes. It's like that for a lot of things, I don't see a lot of pictures of myself from family. I always just assumed its because of my looks. Not any hyperbole in that either. everyone photo I have seen of myself just looks like a different person every time. I have a coherent ending to these paragraphs. I wish I could be who you wanted all the time. 

3. I sometimes think of the childhood friend I had, Its been so long ago now. I remember always playing with him when I got home from school, We would play on my xbox or play pretend outside of my trailer or even on my little trampoline. I was a little bit older then him so sometimes he would also annoying me but we where friends for a few years and he would come over every so often. He would really get on my nerves at times but I would let him play with me and it kind of felt like having another brother. One day he just stopped coming over and I remember having a conversation with my mother and her having to explain to me how he had brain cancer. I know he lived but I guess he was just never much of the same anymore. 

4. I was on a trip from Arkansas back to Texas after spending a few weeks with my mom, I never had a lot of money for travel so I would just buy a train ticket and deal with how long it took (which was fine I really liked train travel) and I remember getting on the train and forgetting my phone in my moms car so I had to stick out the 10 hour train ride without any way to contact anyone. After about 2 or 3 hours on the train in the very early morning the train made a unexpected stop very quickly with the conductor making a very vague reason for the stop but he for some reason announced a smoke break and that we where allowed to get off for a few minutes. I don't smoke but I always got off for a few minutes to stretch my legs and get some fresh air. I got off a few minutes after other people and all I remember is hearing this woman crying. It was gnawing on the ears almost the way it sounded. I remember looking around seeing some other people with shocked expressions. I was around 16 years old but I was still around 6'0 so I looked a lot older for my age and I remember peaking between a few shoulders and seeing a mangled corpse of a woman by the rails, I remember seeing the expression on her face it was unexplainable almost contorted out of fear and pain, eyes still open ears leaking along with her nose. I was then quickly told to go back inside but all I remember was her face. I guess as a psychological defense I forgot about it for a very long time. But as per the last year or so I see it again. I have seen death before but in the way she was, and the state she was left in it was hard not to have it stuck with me. I never told anyone about it. But sometimes I will be bothered by it randomly.

5. I always love remembering stuff I got to do with my dad, I still think about being a kid, when I got to see my dad he always stood so tall. Holding his hand and how big it was compared to my own, I wonder if ill ever be anything like him. I guess I know now he was as scared as I was. I wish I got more time with him. I still think about how he would bring me everywhere with him, Hanging out in his office when he worked in a business administration job, seeing this 6'3 army man do his work. Hoping every day I got to be as interesting as he was. It feels like it was last week when I was his little man. Its like watching the elevator on that part of my life slowly close away. barred away from my father, thrown out of the nest too quick. Never got my chance to expand my wings before I hit earth on my own.