monster 09/29/23

location: edge

i hate feeling like this. people who mean nothing in hindsight of life meaning more than life itself in an instant. it's getting easier to breathe and forget though, but i just get so angry over things i can't control or understand. i want to be better but i see myself spiraling down regardless. seeing m talk to c alone is driving me crazy. a simple conversation. fuck. it's insane how i really follow patterns. everything is basically self harm at this point. this fuck year started with my dad and went to drinking. and for an instant, drinking was all i could think about. it was all that mattered. but then i met c. and he made it even worse. highs and lows over and over and over and over but i said i would end it. it doesn't seem like it's ending right now though. i so deeply want adderall right now, or scissors to cut my hair or a needle to sink into my eye, i just need something. why do i want to hurt myself so bad for people that don't matter? what is it doing for me? i like to say i'm self aware but the simplest of patterns shock me to realize. am i so blatantly idiotic that it takes me this long to realize what the fuck i'm doing. i want to say i wonder if anything will change but it always does. never in a good way though. i'm not drinking anymore. tired of fucking up my skin but i need something else then. anything. fucking anything. jesus christ i cant do this anymore. i'm tired of being hopeful just to get beaten down again. i'm tired of feeling i cant have any interests if no one cares what i'm doing. am i even real if i'm not on anyone's mind. ye olde line of if a tree falls and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? i simply wait for my next social interaction, nothing i do alone matters.