a few things i know about myself

i dont like work. my favorite subject is art. i drink coffee, but i dont care for it. its hard for me to see sometimes. i cant ground myself. i dont have a name, not really. i look prettiest after i cry. i cant say its me that looks prettiest after i cry, actually, this body is not mine. this body will never be mine. i am my conscious, and i want to get out. i am a person with a long list of wishes and fantasies instead of a future. i am a wolf wearing the clothing of a sheep, but if you pull back the teeth im really just a bluebird. teeth is how i know love. blood, so much blood, is how i know love. to me, pain and bliss are synonymous. i cant stand the thought of dying. i cant stand the thought of waking up tomorrow. i am everything i am not. i am everything people say i am. i am none of these things. i want to be anything but the way people know me. when i am stuck i only want out, when i am not i feel a sickening nostalgia that borders on yearning for it. i want everything. i cant have any of it. my life is a series of what ifs and take backs and self destruction and leaving a storm in my path. im out of tune with my emotions that flicker on and off like my bedroom light. i only have my words but they always fall out wrong and fail me. im a mess thats not so hot, like a car wreck you cant look away from. ill tell the truth and its still the biggest lie ive ever said. im ineloquent but talk like im not, and regret every word as it leaves my mouth and years after ive said them. i think too much. and i need to learn when to stop.