Trying to find what's lost.

I know many may not see this, but I figured it'd be better just to share. 
If you are going to read it all, please read it with an open mind.
A while ago, about a year maybe, time has passed so much I can hardly pinpoint when, me and some of my friends were in this discord server. (My discord's on my profile if you want it)
Everything was going great until we started adding more people from our own friend groups, I personally didn't want to add since my friends wouldn't fit and I thought it'd be better to enjoy some time with others, I had know my friend group for around 9 years afterall.
Thing is we never agrred on that, we just did it because the server was for friends who were in to the same type of thing. Day by day more people were added, and I had still added none, hoping it would calm down. It did not, the server capped around maybe 30 people, which doesnt sound alot, but is alot for what the server was, it was for roleplay. Everything was going fine, until I made a few contreversial jokes. Granted they were uncalled for and I shouldn't have made them, but I didn't think too much of it. I was used to making jokes that were more just thrown out, since that was what I normally do with my friends. I guess I didn't anticipate that the world we currently live in and this new generation doesn't seem to take in these jokes too kindly. Some got mad, others didn't. I was being stubborn by not wanting to apologize to the person I had offended. I look back now and even though I would've never fully meant it, I shouldve done a proper one for the bettter.
Days turn into months with this tension never disappearing. That person left and in between all of that, more "incidents" happened, they weren't as the first one you know, the first incidnet was the use of the r-slur which I shouldn't have used, but the rest were find, they were just abit edgy or maybe abit extreme, but between all of that, there was one person named "Ral" (Not their real name) I cared for them alot and I knew what I was doing was hurting them indirectly. Months after everything, it all calmed down, yet other more minor things were happening. "Ral" chose to take a break from discord. Me, as a person who really cared for them, chose to just check up from once in a while incase they every checked. They replied and opened up, only I got to see that, no one else did. They told me out of all people. Ral and I had a connection, we had a crush on each other without knowing so, it was small, but still existed, this isn't related yet but it's important later on.
Weeks pass by and I learnt that they never took a break, they were lying to everyone to their faces, they lied to my face, after claiming they were taking a break. My heart and hope vanished for hoping they would come back. Instead, they chose to unfriend everyone without giving a reason, and then their cousin went in the server and made accusations to another friend. I cannot confirm if they are true but I take the word of my friend that they arent. Till this day, a year later, after trying all I can to reach out to Ral, I still have no progress.
I just miss them and my life has been different ever since they left me and my friends for the worse.
If you read this, I thank you.