Loneliness is eating away at me..
Long hours kept awake due to severe pain. Vacant stares in the mirror, as I try to discern if I'm slipping further into insanity, or is it just exhaustion from not having any control of my life...
I'm unsure of who I am.
Disabilities and mental illness stole my youth. I never got a real chance to experience things the way others do. There was always something hindering my progress. I found myself struggling to take flight, while watching others soar above the clouds.
It wasn't fair. It still isn't.
From the sanctuary that was built for me, I sit huddled by the window. Life goes on without me. I stare out at the world below, watching people living their lives. I want to be a part of it. To enjoy the day to day grind. Have a job. Feel like I'm worth something...
But I can't. My disabilities restrict me, so much to the point where my memory issues/mental issues and epilepsy wrap around me. Chaining me in place. I'm unable to join them..
I know that this is my personal feelings. How I feel..
Which is not always the case for others experiences.
Life is a journey for us all. But I wish I could have a job. To go out into the world...but my family doesn't think it's wise. ( They're not keeping me here by force. ) If I get too overwhelmed, or stressed out I could have a seizure. Falling and hurting myself is dangerous. Even more so, my memory issues are another problem. ( I have trouble remembering when to eat, due to not recognizing when I'm hungry or thirsty. I have to be reminded to take my meds, and take care of my needs. Holding down a job would cause so many problems.. )
I'm too much of a liability.
They want me to just relax, and be comfortable at home.
At the end of the day, I do my best to make sure they have everything they need. ( Keeping the apartment clean. Making food. Making sure they have coffee in the morning and giving them comfort when they need it.) They don't want me to be overwhelmed. But what about them?
They worry about bills, food etc..
I just want to help them. I feel powerless..