Life update

9/22/2023: I got my paycheck! The sun is out. It's a new day.

I ended yesterday feeling like absolute shit so I'm surprised by how I feel today. I don't want to be too optimistic because things could and does usually tend to spiral downwards.

But anyways, yesterday sort of ended on a terrible note for various reasons.

A) I booked a studio to record a track, and it wasn't 'till I started recording that I realized I was getting sick. Like, my voice was just not there. Nonetheless, I had already paid for the session so I sat there for eight hours trying to get something decent out. I didn't feel optimistic though. I was confident in the first half of the second verse but that was about it. I was about ready to give up on it. Not only that, I ended up having such a bad interaction with the staff at the end of the night, and that was entirely my fault. This could still possibly bite me in the ass and I'm just bracing for impact.

But today, with the bad interaction not considered, I mixed the vocals I did have and was surprised to find that the first half of the song really isn't as terrible as I expected. Or at least not bad enough for me to completely give up.

B) I am feeling regretful about not making the completely rational decision of getting an apartment w/ a friend. The timing was just bad. Like if we got the acceptance letter today, I probably would have said yes, but it came before I tried to do anything with my time here. The failure at the studio would have definitely convinced me to just go for it.

BUT, and not to be a crazy optimist, I think the regret of not making a smart decision is not half as bad as eliminating a "what if." I've spent 26 years playing it safe, and I feel like I can afford to break a bone at this point. (Kidding, I definitely cannot afford to break any bones in the realistic sense- healthcare goes crazy.) 

I think if I went in with guard rails, I'll feel just exactly the same way I've always felt. Like I haven't put real effort into prioritizing myself.

C) Putting yourself first is HARD. It includes a lot of trust in oneself and I don't know if I trust myself. Honestly I may not have faith in me at all. Also you can't expect things to work perfectly all of the time. There are honestly a handful of things that worked perfectly for me so far, but the little moments that haven't been perfect just make me spiral into thoughts like "things will never work." or "I should quit while I'm ahead, this is ridiculous."

I've really been learning to put myself in the line of fire. Being inconvenient. Having needs. Having desires. Being delulu. I need to try it, even just once.