yeah i eat the ashes yeah i eat the bone

the diseases down in that paragraph. pathetic self-pitying mental illness content warning. etc.

warning for everything ever actually. this is a vent post. if it wasn't clear.

having assorted mental illnesses is a little interesting. past few months i've been realizing that the really good people entering our life have never known us at a time when we were doing truly bad. i don't know how to describe how horrific things get each year. it drives people to leave us but i don't think i could ever really play the victim with that because we get so fucking cruel. number one champion of being irreversibly cruel and regretting it when it's too late here. yeah. it scares me how easily we can shut down our empathy. it's easy to do because it's hard to care about anyone i'm not personally "invested" in. which is a gross fucking way to say it but it feels fitting. our therapist recently described us as "throwing away people [we] get bored of like they're disposable". ok. i am normal about it. i think that's burned into our psyche forever because it really is true. since we've been like 10 there's been a hole in our chest and no one has been able to fill it for longer than a month. how can you ever care about someone when they make you feel less like you're a shell of a person for a brief hopeful moment, yet you still have to feel that reprieve get ripped away? it's easier to just suck it up and let it pass faster. OUGHHHGHGHGHHGH. thog hope thog die. every day i am terrified that a switch will flip and i'll stop caring about the people i love, just because it has happened with every person i've loved. GODDD. not to be incredibly pathetic but i feel inhuman. it's this feeling of inevitable separation from anyone that means anything. i'm just mimicking human emotion and praying no one notices. but they will eventually. i can FEEL it creeping back in. the psychosis is already back full force. so. every time we're in public i get nauseous with the fear that someone is directly behind me. trouble sleeping for the same reason. it is insane how convinced we are someone is going to kill us sometimes. i also fucking WORRY about us getting our hands on twitter again. sometimes i ache to make a new account and relive every mistake and traumatic experience we brought down upon ourselves when we were 13 and looking for adult attention. i feel sick with it. it's really easy to predict when things will get bad because we start remembering sophomore year. we were delusional for most of it. got hospitalized. got unhealthily obsessed with our friend to the point of thinking they were reading our thoughts and planning to kill us. we asked them if they were reading our thoughts once. we asked them to kill us. we stood outside a school bathroom after hours while they cried and considered killing themself with a steak knife in the stall. we sent them our suicide note and waxed poetic about them and were ecstatic enough when they were nice to us that we called off the whole attempt. we had a reverse suicide pact with them. we were out of control of our body for a lot of it. and well. thog can feel similar things happening again. it's so scary.