Be someone better

I recently realized that all my blogs are some random rant lol

Well, I think about this whenever I have crises (whether panic, anxiety or depression), I always want to be someone better, but I never know what I want from it. What do I do to feel like such a bad person? I just think I'm bad, but I can never really say why. Lately my depression has attacked me a lot and I have sometimes been rude to people and it destroys me inside, but why can't I change? Am I not trying enough? I've been thinking a lot lately also about a person (an old friend) and it may seem ridiculous (because maybe it is) 

‼️ Ninjago Spoilers S8‼️

 but I always see the situation as... what was it like with Rumi and Lloyd perhaps? I mean, Lloyd loved Harumi, and even though she was totally toxic towards him and manipulated, still... He still liked her :( 

It's that thing where you always try hard to hate the person for what they put you through, but you can't, you still love :( 

And I feel ridiculous comparing my life to this Lego show, but they're basically my life, y know? And I understand Lloyd sm hurts (I'm lucky to have parents who love me and are very sweet at least) This thing mainly, this feeling of love for the one who hurt you. 

I just miss him so much, he gave me the best hugs, but he was evil and toxic and that's a fact that nothing can change. He told me after a while "when will you understand that 'we' never existed? It was always 'me', I'm always in front, so get over it" and it made me cry a lot (I cried just remembering it, because it automatically reminds me of other things he did for me) And even after all that, even after he made fun of me having depression, I still can't hate him. I always wonder what he's thinking, if he's okay, if he's taking care of himself. I loved him, I still love him. Even though I want hatred to grow within me towards him, it has never happened and probably never will.

Well that was all, sorry for the bad English and drink water 

Kiss Kiss from Shin ★