i'll never be the artist i'll aspire to be

for the past week or so i was doing really well. like...REALLY well. like ABNORMALLY well. but these past 2 days i started to feel the high wear off. like my insecurities and fears are coming back to haunt me. they found out i was happy and said oh fuck no we gotta get rid of that shit immediately. 

at first i was like man i have no idea why i'm so happy but then when the happiness started going away i then realized why. for like this whole week annd i think last week as well i was just dawing ANYTHING. i said fuck studying im gonna draw whatever i want. and i enjoyed doing that. then the other day i started thing about studying art again. and thats where it stopped.

just the sheer thought of having to do studies feels me with dread.

i dont like studying. its just the truth. i find it boring and overwhelming. i dont know how to study the "right way". and then with that i started to compare myself to other artists again which just made me start to feel bad about my art again. i was feeling great about my art. i was and still am very happy with the art ive made these past like 2 weeks. i was just drawing for ME. ive been able to get around to doing illustrations i put off for months because i didnt care about anything else. i didnt care about anyone else drawings. i didnt care about anyone else's art style. i didnt care about important things like the fundamentals. that shit is so boring. i was just drawing for fun. i was just creating because i WANTED to.

but that's not right.

i've heard countless times things along the line of "if you dont study you aren't gonna get very far" and blah blah blah. and yk, DUH. but man, i hate to admit it, but studying makes me wanna kill myself. and im being so for real. it's not even an over statement. its so fucking boring and because i hate it so much im too busy being angry to learn anything. i am just watching the clock and hoping to be done soon so i can draw some bullshit like my ocs or some gay ass fnf fanart.

its not right.

i will NEVER get in the industry with that attitude. 

maybe saying this will motivate me to start taking it seriously. but in all honesty, i was 10 times more happier when nothing mattered. but i mean, i guess thats life right? ignorance is bliss or some bullshit. things are always better when nothing matters. its that dangerous carefree life that a part of me would love to live.vcaring about things is exhausting. its boring. it no fun. im tirred of being bored. my is boring as is. i dont want the only thing i love to become boring as well.

i wish i didnt want an art related job so i could draw as a hobby. but anyways, ive been tryna approach this in a different way. ive been tryna study when i see that there's something wrong in my art instead of yk mindlessly studying shit. but even THAT is hard. ive come across a million things that need improvement and no surprise, i dont know where to start because its fucking overwhelming me, which is pretty much why i can never get anything done. i want to do a million things all at once, but i never know where to start or dont even know what to do.

this is long and rambly, im onna cut it here.

you wanna know what sucks? i was originally gonna write about something positive. oh well.

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