I think I'm slowly going insane..

Having disabilities sucks.

I'm either spending too much time in my room, curled up in bed and sleeping. ( Or trying to sleep, due to my insomnia causing me serious issues.) Or I'm hold up in my room, nestled in my chair, gaming until I can't think about the pain. Either way, I almost never leave this room.

It's has a bathroom, I have a small stash of snacks near my desk. ( No, my room is never dirty, everything is tidy and in well put together. My anxiety and OCD never let this place get messy. I grew up living like that and lemme tell you the trauma is real. ) I'm grateful for the life my Wife and Partner are giving me. But I really feel like that hollow feeling is growing in my heart.

I'm on a 100mg of Lamotrigine ( Lamotrigine is a medicine used to treat epilepsy. It can also help prevent low mood (depression) in adults with bipolar disorder.), 600mg Gabapentin that I take three times a day due to my fibromyalgia. Having multiple disabilities that overlap makes me want to scream. It's not fair that it feels like my body is slowly breaking down. I just want to be able to function, and I can't even do that mentally either.

My memory issues, depression, and the brain damage I suffered as a toddler fucked me up to the point where I have to have someone gently explaining things so I don't get confused or overwhelmed. It's insulting, but I know if I get too upset or confused I run the risk of having a seizure or severe panic attack.

I'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore, but I can't give up.

Holding onto life for someone else's feelings is a lot to deal with, but I'm tired of everything hurting all the time. All the doctor's visits. The expenses. The strain it takes on my Wife and Partner. The people that do..for reasons I don't understand...care for me..

I don't know. Life is a lot, but I am trying.

It all feels hopeless. But I can't give up. I have to keep trying, if not for my sake, but for my family.