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Category: Life

I feel so out of place (random venting, don't need to read it)

Hey just a heads up, I'm just here to vent because since school hasn't started yet I haven't gone to therapy for like 3 months so if I go back and forth and repeat the same shit I'm sorry, I just want to ramble for a bit. Lately , I've been feeling pretty out of place, like the friends I have are either people I've known for 12 years or people that they met and introduced me to, I only have three friends that're not in common with them and two of them are only my friends because they were in the same class as me. 12 years is a lot of time and we grew up, the difference is that I was the only one who grew up in a different path, like they went the "normal person" (hate that term btw, just using it for simplicity) route while I went the alternative, emo guy route. It's not like I don't love my friends or anything, there are some people in my group who I wouldn't mind dying for, but still I wish I could be friends with someone more like me. Part of me wishes I have been born earlier, you know, so I could be a teenager in the 2000's I know it's dumb, but I think if I lived in that era things would be more fun. It also doesn't help that I live in Portugal, if I lived in the US the probability of finding someone like me would probably be wahy higher. I mean, it's not like I don't have alternative, emo people in my school, hell, there's even a whole class of the, I just don't know how I would approach them,you know, I just can't go first grade style and say "Hi, you seem cool, wanna be my friend". I can't think of a way I could hang out with them in a natural way, because I think they would think I was cringe if i didn't in an unnatural way. But even so, if they are alternative and shit they don't seem to have the same mindset as me, which I think would be pretty handy when trying to be friends with someone in your last of year of high school withouth even being in their class or have any type of connection with them. That's why I love the 2000's so much, but that is also a problem, because I know even if I listen to the songs, use the clothes, have the hair, watch the videos and use an obscure retro version of the website, I'll never live in the 2000's, and I will always feel out of place, unless I find someone or a group of people with the same mindset as me. Next year, I'm going to college, or at least I hope so, so that will be pretty good to meet new people, I might even find someone like me, but the chances are pretty low. The more I fall in love with the 2000's and the culture of that time, the more frustrated I feel, like today I found about this youtuber called Boxxy from the 2000's and I felt so frustrated to know that I will probably never meet anyone like her. I also thought of making online friends, that would be pretty cool, I just don't know how. School starts in a week, hoping for another somewhat empty year. I mean, there's this girl I like and she'll be in my class, so maybe if I get lucky, it won't be so bad.

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