[6/9/23] Ab my trip to the great north

It's at the end of the month so no I haven't gone yet but basically I was supposed to be all the days with this basically aunt okay. Cus she didn't have work for a month or smth. Then few days ago she's like oh actually I found a job so well be together on the weekends. 

We already did the plane tickets. Okay it's moneyyyy.

Which means that I'm gonna get there on a Saturday, we spend less than that days cus I get there in the evening, then Sunday next day, then until the other Saturday which is the day I go back home I. Am not together. With her.

Like I'm gonna stay at their home but I'm literally gonna be alone most of the time cus then her and her boyfriend come back late, make dinner, chores and it's time for bed.

It's the fucking. Last week before the mess of uni. And we went from oh I can show you the natural places around here and we can go to the city with all the shops 

To literally not having not even half of the time I'm there together

And she's like oh I have Netflix and Amazon prime at home 

GIRL I CAN WATCH TV SERIES FROM HOME. MINE. A FEW TOO MANY KILOMETERS AND A FUCKING SEA AWAY FROM HERE. 

So I'm gonna be there with limited everything cus I have to make everything fit in a stupid ass trolley so I'm not even taking my PC which means I'll have just fucking paper and a few pencils to draw, maybe a book and my phone and nothing else except. Basic fucking stuff like clothes and shit. 

Oh you're on your phone all day anyway well I don't care!!! At least at home I can decide!!! To just do something else!!! 

Now there wasn't miscommunication

Like we did the tickets, she knew we bought them and everything

And still said yes to the fucking job 

Now she has drama with others in the family but I'm not others so until it's me idfc cus this family is a whole ass mess

But now I'm just gonna have a fucking shitty week

I should have fucking sacrificed a few uni days and go to the fob concert idk why I fucking punished myself this way.

Like so she said oh ya I have Netflix yada yada I got a decent PC if you need, I can drop you off in the city when I'm going to work you can spend time there while I'm at work, use Google maps and stuff

GIRL IM JUST SUPPOSED TO NOT GET LOST. AND. JUST. WONDER THE WHOLE DAY LIKE AN IDIOT IN A CITY WHERE THEY DONT FULLY SPEAK MY PRIMARY LANGUAGE?

I FUCKING HATE THE NORTH IN THE FIRST PLACE IM GOING THERE CUS YOUR ASS IS THERE AND I THOUGHT WED SPEND A WEEK TOGETHER

AND YA ILL ADMIT IT, GOING TO THE AIRPORT, TAKE A PLANE, GET OFF THE PLANE ALL ALONE IS ALREADY VERY HARD FOR ME OKAY. I HAVE TROUBLES WITH PEOPLE AND PLACES.

oh how would that place feel different from the big city you go to for uni

FIRST POINT. TRAIN FUCKING RAILINGS. I DONT GENERALLY FEEL THAT BAD WHEN IM WONDERING AROUND THERE, EVEN IF IT'S A PLACE I HAVEN'T RLLY WENT TO YET AND IN THE BACK OF MY MIND I KNOW. I know. That in two hours I'll get back to the train station and in a few more I'll be back in my room

This is my fault, I should have trusted my guts. I should have said "yk what forget ab it let's not do it" when there where the first problems. And I never trust my guts that's the fucking problem. Cus I change fucking viewpoint so quickly and then in like eh whatever and then something happens that makes me think WHY did I not listen to my own brain. 

Because maybe it's not just being grumpy, or hot headed, or changing things on a whim cus I'm crazy. It's a bad feeling I decide to ignore and then. Fucking regret. Like the rest of my life. And now I'm actually thinking AB it and how bad that week is gonna go and I can't say no now cus I have no excuse and, megaphone on , WE ALREADY PAID FOR THE TICKETS. I HATE WASTING MONEY. 

now idk what to do. Cus I defended the whole thing at home being like oh I'll figure something to be busy oh it's not a problem oh I'm okay with this oh I'm okay with that 

And just tried to shish their comments and worries

And now I'm the one with them. Are they mine? Did other people's thoughts got to me? I don't fucking know but I'm crying on a random night two weeks or whatever away from this big thing.

Im scared. Im scared of airports in scared of people, places I don't know, I'm scared of getting on a place, I'm scared of throwing up on a plane, I'm scared of dying on a plane, I'm scared, I'm scared I'm scared. 

And if I mention anything tomorrow ab my worries they're gonna be like at home oh well. I told you as well so not. Oh well i told you. Oh well I was right BECAUSE IN THIS FUCKING HOME IT'S A COMPETITION IT FEELS TO WHOS IN THE RIGHT AND THEREFORE FUCKING SUPERIOR AND KNOWS MORE THAN EVERYONE ELSE.

AND WE ALREADY FUCKING DID THE PLANE TICKETS AND THEY DONT FUCKING REFUND THEM AND IT WOULD BE WASTED MONEY.

So I don't know. I don't know if I'm gonna mention anything tomorrow. I don't

 I don't fucking know. I just know I'm probably not gonna spend a good time. 

And I shouldn't be this stressed and this anxious. Because then I have uni in October and it's gonna long fucking months of little to no breaks of doing assigned works and be completely alone in class. 

And I shouldn't have AA fucking awful week leading into it

Also I hope it's understood. I'm . Not actually going to the great north i don't fucking know what the great north is. I'm just going  very north from here with boring mountains cold climate and people with annoying accents who's default "tan" is a severe sunburn.