grief filled rage

i hate everyone whose beloved mom is still alive. i hate you because you have what i will never have. i guess i will always be a kid to my mom, because she never saw me grow into an adult. but i will never see her grow old, either. i miss her. i miss her.

its been 2 years but i dont know what to do.

its the little things. its always the fucking little things. i miss her coffee even though i dont drink coffee. i miss her weird food combinations. i miss her trinkets. i miss her dancing. i miss her gray hairs.

and people who dont know, or even those who know but forget, will mention her. 

"does your mom know?"

i will never be able to buy her a present with my own money. this is excruciating. i'll stop before i upset myself further.