tolerance break failed

ive been struggling the pass few days so i deserve it smh... anyway im enjoying some time outside even though its boiling hot and mosquito rich. I'm going to use voice to text cuz I'm too high to type

struggling also in the sense that now that I'm actively trying to get better.... I'm starting to feel that uphill climb you know. that one part of me that's super insincere and doesn't see the worth in bothering...  but it's progress.

I'm actually putting in the effort to look for more jobs though that hasn't been very fast. and been driving more often lately too which is super lucky. I really feel confident enough that I can take the test without fail this time. yeah I failed the test so what. 

trying to socialize has been so so. it always feels like there's a way I have to get in and I don't understand it yet. not to mention I don't know how to really open up to new people so it always feels like we're stuck in small talk land forever. but the fact I'm talking to anyone at all this progress.

of course I'm still hyper fixating which is fun? it's an expensive hobby to want. I've been interested in making some myself but I don't know where to go about chemicals or the free space that wouldn't pose a hazard to me.

I'm sorry this is a boring blog... I was hoping to be a bit more philosophical but my tiny brain cannot handle it. at least for right now LOL.

hope everyone's having a good Monday. and further than that I'm hoping you're having a good evening. can someone tell the motorcycling fucker in my neighborhood to stop and let me smoke in peace