A letter to my mother

Dear mom,

You ask me how I'm doing and I let myself lie to you. You know there's more behind my words, but we don't have to talk about it.
Mom I'm afraid I'll never feel the love I need from you. I needed you, and I still need you now.
With a father so angry I needed a mother, I needed someone wiser and older someone loving. 
I look at out relationship now; I feel satisfied, and I feel sick 
I want you to be proud of your son, I want you to know me better, to hear the story of the life I have lived so far. But I cannot fathom bringing those things to your ears. 
To see the pain in your eyes knowing what your child went through. 
I am afraid of the person you think I am.
I am afraid of disappointing you. 
I crave your love and embrace but I am also scared of it. I am scared I don't deserve you.
I'm scared of you, I cannot imagine a time in my life where I won't need you. 
Please mom just hold my hand and acknowledge my personhood. Acknowledge my pain without feeling like it's your fault even if some of it is...
Please mom for today just hold me, hold your son and know he loves you.
Even when he cannot bring himself to love himself

2 Kudos


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Cranky Old Witch

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I suspect all you need do is say that last sentence to her and she'll understand without saying the rest!

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