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hello internet diary, yet again i am emotional.
as of recent i have been very melancholic. im not sure if my medication is kicking in or not... but i feel like it has. Though, theres some people online that say that the dosage im on doesnt have any therapeutic affects, and that if i feel something, it is simply placebo. but im not sure. i know my life is finally heading in the right direction, and i should be proud of my progress.... but i am still as lost and scared as ever. I feel like there is something missing.... i dont know what it is. I love my best friends and my boyfriend... and yet i still feel like there is a wall around me, distancing themselves from me... maybe i am looking into it too much. Im happy. i think i am able to say that. im not particularly struggling as bad as i was. I get a strong urge to cut myself sometimes, but ive been able to manage it, so i havent relapsed thankfully. I think its okay to be happy and sad at the same time. im hopeful and enthusiastic for my future. Everything is just so slow. I feel like sometimes im waiting for something to happen and it never comes.
Recently ive taken up the hobby of pokemon collecting. so far i am very happy about it. sometimes its all i ever think about! it takes up a lot of my time, and i like to flip through my binder of pokemon cards that ive collected so far, (im 60 cards left of completing the scarlet and violet base set!) but im not sure if its good for my reckless spending habit. I have a goal set for myself that every month i save atleast 1000 dollars from my overall paycheck, and for the last 3 months ive been steadily ignoring that goal. Everytime i feel bad.... i buy something. whether it be food or clothes i just spend spend spend spend spend. and i keep spending. Its been a real hassle... but im not sure what to do other than to buy. if i dont buy then i eat. and if i eat i gain weight. but if i dont eat then i buy, and if i buy i lose all my money. its a very exhausting cycle. I need to find more coping mechanisms... but a lot of them are just kind of cringe and corny. Im too good for tumblr breath in and out gifs.
I hope one day ill be able to figure it out better than i am right now. I feel like a child writing blog entries whenever i feel down. Im sure in 5 years ill look back and laugh at my stupidity. I'd be with my boyfriend and we'd laugh at my past self crying over the inevitable. itll be really really funny and life will be a lot simpler than it is now.
8/16/2023
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