Tarmacked

For a little bit last summer around 2023 I had this little airport job, I have always had an interest in aircraft and I wanted to become an aircraft mechanic. I had the option to go to college and have it mostly paid off but sadly I never got the chance, I've had a lot of things like that go by me. Plenty of missed opportunities and such, I remember meeting my boss and he seemed like a pretty good guy. I always try to look good on first appearances, my dad always taught me to look your best for an interview, which he wasn't wrong for teaching me that, it certainly gets you farther then most. But I did end up getting the job, I remember my first day being pretty rough on the body but I really enjoyed it. I haven't ever been good around co workers though, I'm a tall figure with a lot of muscle dragging about me and I cant say I ever talk a lot at work. Actually I cant say I talk at all, I have always eaten alone in jobs that allow me to do so. This being a very big hanger full of aircraft and all walks of job life, it makes it very easy to slip away and be alone on my breaks. I guess being such a menacing person with such a meek attitude really puts people off, I don't like to self describe myself as some gentle giant but my appearances get me in trouble more then my own actions. But after this first good but hard day I get home to my roommate crying, which felt like such a odd thing to experience, He has never really cried in front of me before but it obviously made me feel bad. But that bad feeling would only get worse I suppose. The same day I worked my new job I really liked My best friend of middle school has passed away in a accident on his farm. As my roommate cried I didn't, I was sad. Miserable even. But I couldn't cry, This lack of being able to has always been a thing since I was young. I'm not sure if its a lack of working tear ducts or something else but its always just been something I've had to hold in and fight another day. I didn't cry the day my grandmother died, I didn't cry the day my cousins died in a car accident, And I didn't day the day my best friend died. It always makes me feel unhuman the way I cant shed a tear. I stayed at the job for 30 more days before i eventually just couldn't do it anymore. I don't think my coworkers or boss liked me very much anyway. I tend to leave the wrong impression on people, talking very few times and mixing my words up and appearing like some creep. People need socializing and I don't. I've been alone since birth and it'll never be any other way. I use to worry I was missing my entire life as a kid, Moving around every other month. I guess it took any sort of romanization out of my head. I have never understood love, I have tried to date many people but I am always the problem. I guess this lack of love in my life, lack of understanding for it kills my ability to socialize with others. I've had many jobs and it always ends up the same I guess. The one person I loved hates me and its no one else's fault but my own. I always dreamed of having the perfect friend group full of people who care for each other and want nothing but the best for one another. I realize now the reason I cant have that is not because of the lack of empathy most people have for each other, but my own lack of understand for each person I meet. This lack of understanding never stopped me from doing all I can do help those I want to love. But my ability to be understood and understand others never was meant to be. I'm a foreigner with no home, My planet hates me and my people don't want to know me.