Self worthless

I’ve been on and off with this dude since I was 19. It’s weird to meet other dudes after as friends and find out they value me more. Maybe I’ve been too fucked by my past to see my worth. I’ve seen myself as this ugly fat non attractive manly looking woman. My whole life I’ve felt this way. So now being approached and told to just ask for anything.. seems alien. I don’t trust it. Idk. African men approach me a lot and tell me how they love to spoil their woman.. idk man. Even two NYPD came to me with the same lines. That a man is supposed to provide. Huh?! My hands just be up because I feel blind to it. I saw my uncle be super nice over this past winter and I swear to god I thought he must’ve been terminal. My mom confirmed he isn’t (thank god). But that now he’s more of a family man. 

Not gonna lie, the fact that my uncle has always been kind but seeing him be extra kind took me out. He was always kind but a bit of a drunk. Now he’s found a young girl who’s made him settle better than his legal wife. I feel a little bad for my cousins who didn’t experience a sober father until they were older. But they did always have his support. 

We will see what life keeps presenting tho. I’ll keep y’all updated.