5 stages of grief //rant

did u know the stages are non-linear??? you can go through all of these emotions in random order when you experience loss. I think I'm in my depression era. Honestly, this breakup was bound to happen... I tried communicating when I'd ask for update/warning texts and would get hours of silence even when I would ask if he'd like to be otp with me; tbh I don't think he was ever committed to actually being with me and seeing irl either. I felt like I was just there, and I feel like he had no emotional attachment to me anymore. I just didn’t feel like a priority anymore... 

Or maybe I was asking too much from him. I missed it when he would try. just try to be with me, almost as if he loved me again. But his phone wouldn't allow him because it was so messed up. I think that was another factor that led to our breakup. I get that having a broken phone like that was out of his control, but fuck, did it really affect me. as much as I wished it didn't, it did. 

Sometimes, when I would try to bring up the fact that we didn't interact on a daily bases as much as I'd like to, if he didn't blame his broken phone he would tell me the reason he dreds texting me was because I was "too dry". I should've taken that as a sign that he was tired of me. 

disinterested in me.

He mentally checked out of our relationship somewhere, I don't know where. If I had to guess, I think when I told him I was staying in California and my family wasn't moving to a state closer to him, I think that's when he became disinterested in me. We would always say, "Next summer, I'll see you next summer," but once I pieced together the fact that he wasn't coming, I felt so disappointed. I felt so unloved and unwanted for the first time by him. I understand why he didn't show up though, but another time I brought up traveling over to see him (maximum 3 days) he just shut me down. "tbh I'd rather not talk about that. sorry." 

And I never brought up the idea of traveling to see each other after that. 

and now I know I will never get the chance to see him.

idk that just... did something to me. I feel like that interaction was one of the reasons I left him. I don't think he was as committed to our relationship as I was. In all honesty, I think he kept me around because he didn't want to start over in another relationship. I think he just settled with me and stopped caring about me in the process. 

Man, I can't wait for school to start, just to keep my thoughts busy with something else.