Load it up, know your trigger like the back of my hand

I'm not proud of the route I'm taking in life, I wont be giving up my individuality but I will be giving my servitude to the war machine. I'm sure it could be worse but I just hope I make it out before my dad passes on, same with my grandpa. Both veterans of wars nobody won. Both pistons on a forever redlining engine. But I want them to see me in the uniform they fought with and for. There might be no honor left in the world but I just want them to know I have a future. Some sort of peace knowing ill be fine even if they have to leave early. Its not an easy life but I'll do all I can to make of it what I can. No one I look up to are good people, they have done me wrong or taught me wrong. But I hope everyday when they die they see some sort of heaven. They aren't perfect but I care for them I care for everyone really. I just wish things where alright for everyone, so much suffering and violence in the world and its a new kind of suffering to watch it all and not be able to do anything about it. No song and dance will ever fix everything that has or will happen. I like people who I can open up to. Who don't judge for what I say, but judge me for what I do. 

I just wish the righteous still walked around us, seeing wrong and having an impenetrable sense of compassion and goodwill. All the kind people of the earth died and its just us now. Misery and its company.

There's a lot of loss in life, rolls itself out to you. Shows you all the good and prepares you for the bad. But it could never prepare you for how bad it can really get. Sometimes its hard to keep it together and not let it really sink in how dark it is around you. Personally I've fallen into these dark areas a lot. I always spend a lot of time alone. Solitary has always been my escape while being my entrapment. Someone who I use to be close with told me that depression isn't something you just escape, Its something you live with forever. It might get better but its always there. Guess you just spend all that time making your own wrongs right in the extra time you always have. I don't believe I deserve pity and I know my wrongs cant be made right. But I will do whatever I can to help others anyway. Even if it doesn't save my soul or correct my wrong doings. I don't want to be forgiven just forgotten. But maybe when my day comes I can leave all these feelings behind and accept it'll never be right, but that ill at least know all the good things I have done. 

Always more to give up, the self sacrifice is never ending. But I want the pain from the self orchestrated misery. Suffering is how I know the cosmic debt is being paid. even if its something that will never be paid in one life. Even though all memories of past lives are never carried over I know the next will be just as hard just as painful, mercy is not something that is obtained through hard work but through completely your term of pain.