Decaying int0 my 0wn illness

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Haven't taken my meds for about a week and a half maybe? I don't really remember why I stopped but now I just don't really want to get back on them...

I know it's kinda bad, especially since my homicidal ideation is coming back, It's all passive just abstract day dreams mostly and I wont do anything. Haven't been this fixated on it since middle school.

No one in particular in mind besides my partner, but even then not really? More like mutual destruction yearning, I want us to slice each other open and tangle our intestines together out of pure love and devotion. A near delicate dance of killing others before we off each other happily.

I know these desires and urges are not normal, nor will I act on them, often in the moment the thoughts make me happy and almost dazed on dopamine. I always feel guilty, gross and distressed afterwards.

I wish I remembered why I stopped taking my meds, I know i had a reason now I cant remember it  

If it becomes active ideation I'll go to the ER, but it's not likely to come to that.