tried taking a nap but I couldn't stop thinking of you //RANT//

i guess this is a rant. couldn't get him off my mind. 

Listening to Pink in The Night by Mitski because of a Fleabag edit I saw that made me incredibly sad. I love Fleabag. I showed him Fleabag. Anyway, here's the link to the TikTok because I love it so much: https://www.tiktok.com/@yearningfreak/video/7154954051409513770?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7266558021490296366 

It somehow helped me realize that I had to break up with my boyfriend. We stopped calling for bed, and it seemed like I stopped being a priority altogether. I was watching that stupid fuckin TikTok and it made me sad because deep down, with the way things were going in our relationship (the little interaction, us not hanging out anymore, the calls stopping altogether) I knew we weren't going to make it to the point of me being able to stare at his back all day while we lay in the same bed, finally together. I know it's so stupid, but that's all I've ever wanted to do since I got into a long-distance relationship with him. I just wanted to be able to hold him... 

and now I can't have that at all. 

I know I did the right thing in leaving him because I wasn't happy with the little emotional connection we had, but at the same time, Idk. 

The truth is, I ache for him. The truth is, I wish he still cared to fix things. I wish he still fought for us and wanted to make us work, but I think he was emotionally done with me. I think he mentally checked out somewhere in our relationship, and it showed. 

My memories of us together, when we would hang out and do things together, are now filled with nostalgia and heartache. He was done with me before the relationship even ended. I just feel sorry for clinging onto him as long as I did. God, I need to heal. I ache for him, and it won't go away. 

He was my person, 

and now I can't even call him that. 

((honorable Mitski song mention: Why Didn't You Stop Me?))