8.10.23

I cried today, only a little bit. I was stressed and had to get it out, or else i would cry in the car. I was late to the bank, i always seem to be late. Late to school, late to the DMV, late to the bank. I missed a fucking whole funeral once because i was so late. I used to try and wake up at 4:00am each morning to get ready for school, still late. I don't understand. I try not to be late when it inconveniences whoever I'm meeting up with. But i think its just kinda a factor about me at this point? My social anxiety has gotten worse over the summer, i worry ill have to fake confidence this school year. I feel like a whole month has just slipped through my fingers. I miss when i stayed in SC with my grandparents. The days could blend together into a blur and i wouldn't feel bad about it. I had a routine, and didn't feel stuck because of it.

I woke up late, got up and greeted my grandmother in the sun room, talked to her about whatever. Then i got something to eat before my empty stomach made me turn sick. I then watched TV, worked on a jigsaw puzzle, or worked on my mobile games. When it turned late, i would watch a movie with my grandmother and watch her racoons outside. Then when they went to sleep at 9, i had that big, maze of a house to myself. It honestly is a maze, everything ends up wrapping around itself, and returning you to one point or another in the house. They built it themselves which is why. Once i got hungry again, i would make something to eat, then work on my jigsaw puzzle more. Then when i got too tired, i went to that big pink pretty room i stayed in. I would read fanfiction or my Carmilla book. Then when it reached 4 or 5am (horrible sleep schedule i KNOW), i would turn on a playlist and go to sleep.

I talked to my father today in the car about the new snow white and Rapunzel movies. I chose my words carefully and backtracked on things i think he would have disagreed with. He actually agreed with me on pretty much all the things during that conversation. He didn't play devils advocate or dig into my words or said thats probably not real. Feels like the first time hes done that. I'm getting better at not saying stupid shit, even though i felt like everything i said was stupid shit. 

Someone left kudos on my last entry, course it had to be the one where i was embarrassingly rambling about a fictional character in gross detail. I dont know how i feel about my entry's actually getting attention-- atleast by one person. I like the blank element to it all, the whole factor of it all being there, you just have to look. But i dont know how i feel about someone actually looking, and finding me. Sometimes i forget these blogs come up in the recent tab, and that it wouldn't only be able to be accessed through my profile. That kind of breaks the element i think. 

Someone sent me a friend request today, i don't know how to feel. I don't think i want to accept it. Forgive my anxiety. But i think I'm just going to stay a girl floating here. I'm just here. That's all that's really to it. I'm okay with being found, but i think id like that to stay the extent of it.