rambling

sorry i havent updated in a few days, i got busy.

i finally have my medication back, i dont know if i feel much different yet though. it will probably take a bit to get back in my system. i am happy that i have access to it again because this means no more random breakdowns over insignificant shit. at least, for the most part. 

the past few days have been fun. i went swimming with my friends at a public pool. i dont like public pools but this one was small and there wasnt many people so i felt more comfortable. some 7 year olds though decided to declare war on us and their mission was to assassinate us with water guns. i was annoyed at first, especially since they called me emo for having black hair, but after a while i had fun. 

after that, we went and got subway, and went to the park to eat it. some kids we saw before were there and wanted to play with us. i think their names were jonah, joey, and will. they were around 5 years old. it was funny watching them do the most reckless shit and then running back to us like "WANNA SEE ME DO IT AGAIN??" with the biggest smile on their faces. like, sure little man, whatever makes you happy. 

we had to leave soon after that though, because a storm was starting and spade is very afraid of storms. we all went to my house. canis started getting afraid of the storm as well, because where he lives right now has a giant window where he sleeps and he was afraid of it breaking and stabbing him. so we decided to have a sleepover, but unfortunately sage had to go home. 

in the morning we learned that the window did actually break, confirming canis's fears. which kinda sucks cause trying to calm someone down from overthinking is one thing, but after they've been proven right its a lot harder for someone to not listen to those thoughts.

i didnt do much today though. my friends went home, so i decided to play some mario kart. my left joycon got destroyed so spade is letting me use his for tonight. only problem is his joycon has stick drift so while i CAN play the game its just only very frustrating to fight with the controller on where i want to go. i need a new pair but they're like 80 dollars and i dont have that kind of money. i could ask my dad but id feel really bad. maybe for my birthday, but thats in 2 months. 

speaking of my birthday, im nervous. i dont want to be 19. i said that about 18 too but its worse now. 19 just, isnt a good age. maybe im just traumatized. but it feels yucky to call myself 19. not even in the "omg lol im so old" way, but i just dont have a good feeling about it. maybe i can reclaim it. maybe i can make it so that age doesnt scare me anymore. i want to have a party but im really not sure what i want to do. 

i need to clean my room, again. it bothers me. i also need to shower, again. i know i have stuff to do but thinking about actually doing it makes my skin crawl with frustration that im "not going to do it right" 

i dunno what part of the illness that is but its very annoying