The Needles of God

 I'm not sure why life is so cruel, I do everything I can to help others out when it gets tough. But it seems no matter how good my intentions are there will always be a harsh punishment to my good deeds. Cant say it isn't ever deserved, I don't think I'm a good person and I've done bad things. But it just gets frustrating when I cant continue to help other people because bad things happen to myself. I'm out of money now and I'll be selling my car soon. I wont need it in a month or so anyway. My father told me recently he has stage 3 cancer, I'm not really sure what ill be doing when it comes for him. It'll be losing him all over again but I'm sure the pain will be a bit duller this time. I wish I could see him before I'm off but I just don't have the money to for now. Hopefully my dad will pull through it long enough to see me again. I go a lot of months alone at times, the isolation from other people effects me a lot mentally sometimes I don't know how to interact with people anymore so I just revert back to how my parents talked around me. Saying things I don't believe and jokes I don't think are very funny. I don't have a self anymore and the man in the mirror is someone I don't know anymore. Knowing that my own individualism is split into 4 separate people at times with no way to combine them back into just me is my rock, and ill never stop pushing to the goal post I will never achieve. My world ended before I even had my chance at happiness and will just be being another one to die miserable. But even now when i can do nothing more and can help no one else I get no satisfaction because my own misery is brought on by factors I cannot control and will make it only harder for myself, as if an alcoholic making his way to drink with his only friend of abuse.