chance

i want to take a chance on myself. for real this time. even through all my doubting, i haven’t quit my job yet. surprisingly. but i feel stumped creatively. i found this book called the artist’s way. i want to read it. and i want to finish it. i haven’t finished a book in a while. at most i can stomach manga but again i haven’t finished anything there yet either. i play a lot of games but i don’t finish those either. i play the same games i’ve always played expecting something to be different about it. but i feel ingrained and stuck in my old ways of being. how can i be different? how can i be great? this book gives me the hope of unblocking myself. i don’t know how many tries it’ll take to get there. but i hope it helps. maybe this morning journal routine can help me get out of this nothingness. this numbness. i give up on everything. because i give up on myself. this time i don’t want to let the anxiety win. but i teeter the thin line of intolerable frustration and just being anxious of not succeeding. am i going to give up? only if i realize my heart wasn’t in the right place. i can try again some other day. i think my original intentions are what i need to remember to stick to. the purest intentions, the ones most me. simple. i don’t have to stick to absolutely everything. just the most necessary. but i want to stick to this. i want to get somewhere. i have the image in my head of achieving my potential and maybe this can make it happen. if i go through with this. if i stick to this. i want to take a chance on me.