wish

a long time ago, i wanted to be a rock star. it makes me want to tear up thinking about it. i wanted to be in the spotlight. but i didn’t have the rest of the group i needed. i wanted a band. i wanted people to support my voice with their sound. but i haven’t found those people yet. i feel like i have it all right here but i can’t let it out because i don’t have the backup. when i started this job, i had to force myself to have a voice people could hear. even if it sounded forced. even if it sounded rude to me. not as soft on the ears as id like to be. then i saw my girlfriend. and i realized i had to speak up because she wanted to hear me. so i started doing that and little by little i didn’t mind it so much. i still shut down and get quiet. not knowing what to say to people who ask me questions. i’ve never felt confident in my spanish and now i have to speak it all the time. it’s exhausting. i feel such a relief when i’m confronted with someone who speaks english even if they have an attitude. i don’t have to worry about that extra step of translating. i worry i’m not saying things right. i worry i’m not good enough. i feel like i’m not good enough. and so badly i always wished that i was. i just don’t want to let people down. (have them) lose faith in me.