when will it end?

i have that billie eilish song stuck in my head. all the enjoyment, when did it end? lately i feel myself fighting to feel something, anything that isn’t me wanting to not exist. i want to feel alive. i don’t have energy these days to really do anything. i’m trying something new with my job, something i’ve never done before. i’ve always been on the inside working on things. never been on the outside working with people. i’m not the biggest fan. but it pays the biggest bill, my rent. and that’s about all it pays. i have to find other ways to make money. i find myself fantasizing about being a streamer or big on social media and having people love me. having people like me. because maybe i’ll feel something then. i have someone who really loves me. i think it’s me. no matter the situation changing, i always end up feeling like this. i hope it doesn’t push them away. when i was on medication, i felt free. but i can’t afford it anymore and i didn’t even have the perfect prescription that didn’t make me feel suicidal or like i was always shaking in my boots. literally. idk what else helps. i used to do drugs. i used to smoke weed. that helped temporarily. only if i did it all the time. then i started to lose the enjoyment. i don’t have the money for things like that. idk how to be happy with no money. when things are the same and i feel old in my body. like i’ve been here for many more years than i actually have been. i have lost enjoyment in all the things i used to love. i keep thinking and wondering when is this all gonna end?