upset about stuff

I have a hard time talking about things to my friends so im just going to blog about it i think. I'd like to be able to rant and vent whenever i want to when i feel like it but thats just not how i roll... but even then im just too in my feelings about some things and i guess i have been for a while. Its interpersonal things so i dont expect anybody i have added here to even care about it or understand what i mean, so just hear me out ok?!!?

I'm really upset that people, no matter what, wont ever want to see me as a person with feelings so they can completely downplay my abuse! my past relationship with my ex wasnt a mutual "we did bad things to each other." YES i said things i regret to him, but need i remind the world... i said those things when i was pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed relentlessly! I would have never said anything if it werent for the fact that he always got me to that point! Im not a horrible person that says rude things on a whim, i always have my reasons. When you emotionally abuse someone and neglect them for days and weeks on end, of course they will feel bitter and upset. And what do people do when they feel bitter and upset and wronged? they lash out! I was abused and used for three years, and i have a right to feel uncomfortable with being in spaces with him and being around people who excuse his actions and feel the need to coddle him and stay hanging around him. because uhmmm.... news flash! He hurt me relentlessly and made me feel so small! Its always believe the victims but never support them or acknowledge their hurt.... its always "you guys were bad for each other.... you both did bad things..." 

ermm... i think one of us did something worse than the other... but maybe its just me. I dont really have an outlet for any of this stuff. and finding a therapist is a lot of hard work as i recently found out. I try to talk about it with my friends but i always feel guilty like im using them somehow. I know thats not the case and my best friends would never think that way... but i dont know. Thank you for reading.

8/3/2023