there is a whole world outside 🐬

i think using this site, short as my time has been on it, has *Actually* been helping me work through some deep-seeded socialization issues i've had for most of my adult life.

it began with tumblr having easy-to-make sideblogs which isn't inherently bad, but i got it in my head that i must section off every interest of mine into easily corral-able sites, that i shouldn't accidentally burden some random follower with a post they didn't sign up for. this followed me for every interest, even into twitter (though not as intensely).
this got so bad i was doing this for my personality in a sense. you only get to see certain parts of me on certain websites. you get a little here, you get a little there. obviously we act different when we're in different locations or with different people, but i wasn't doing it out of social niceties, i was doing it out of shame. shame that i developed for basically no reason, thinking that i must put on my most pleasing, approachable, kiss-ass face on in front of everyone. if i get upset, it must be in That Twitter Way. where it's easily digestible, snappy, bordering on whatever constitutes a "take".

here, i've got a space for longform messages and no-one gets a loud notification on their phone when i reply. it's quiet and private without being completely alone. moreover, unless i just make an entirely new account, there's no easy-access account switcher here. it's just me. if i want to say something or do something, i have to do it as myself. i begin cast away my shame with this. do you think i've posted about pooltoys anywhere else? i've posted my art, but that's it. no mention of my interests, not even mentioning that i bought one. here, i'm free. i can feel myself loosening and feeling a bit more human.

maybe it's just because i'm on 4-ish hours of sleep and i spent last night philosophizing about life and snuggling a giant plastic seal, but i feel the shell of my chrysalis cracking. i do quite literally have to approach every encounter still as "people are just people, nothing to be afraid of" but i can feel it. i felt a rush speaking to someone on discord hours ago, just making small talk. WOW! it sounds small, but i've dug myself deep and i'm digging back out. maybe there is a light at the end of the lonely tunnel.

i would like to get a job and maybe get some therapy if i can find one that my insurance will cover (doubt) because i've tried this before and occasionally felt this way but it tends to fade. i want professional help because lately my social issues have felt completely suffocating. but i feel like i can breathe a little currently... it's through a straw, but i'd rather have a straw than nothing!

life is odd. i can feel mine about to begin soon. the cruel month of july is over and i will finally bloom soon... i'll make it so.

Enjoy the evening everyone.