Chess Is Now Banned From Gilfilan Labs

November 20, 1997

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but Management doesn't have the balls to deal with approximately one hundred disgruntled fission scientists. As the subject line suggests, the board game "Chess" is now banned from Gilfilan laboratories. You are no longer allowed to play the game in laboratory spaces in this building, nor are you allowed to construct makeshift chess boards out of (again, highly radioactive) samples of moss and twigs while on duty.

I understand that this is devastating news to some of you, but there is a silver lining. Management didn't say a single thing about banning chess in the hallways, office spaces, or storage rooms. It probably didn't occur to them, and I'm certainly not going to say anything, so have at it. Play to your heart's content, just not in laboratory spaces, and preferably not during your shifts (but it's not my problem if you do, so I'm not going to stop you.)

(Though please still refrain from constructing makeshift chess boards from hazardous materials. I will personally buy a few dozen chess sets for the store rooms if that's what it takes to keep you idiots from frying all your cells.)

And thank you to Wil from the cleaning staff who so kindly returned my algae sample. Please try to keep your workspaces clean so he doesn't have to pick up after you like a kindergarten teacher, yeah?

Thank you for your consideration.

-- Artemis Byrd (she/her), Nuclear Botany Department, Gilfilan 235