Girls girl pt 2👀😒

I’ve always wanted to be a girls girl: the Cliche girl with her friend group and the girl best friend that is always there for her; but life had other plans. I’ve lived guarded (/guided) by my mothers fears. When I was younger it meant skipping out on school activities past 5pm (sports, get togethers, hang outs, clubs) because after it gets dark the bad people come out to get children. When I was a teen it meant not getting to the house past 8pm which knowing that my school was 2 hrs away and I got out around 4.. it gave me an hr, hr and a half if lucky to hang out with my friend. My mom told me that friends get you in trouble and love to see you doing worst than them. That girls will back stab you and smile in front of your face. 

I feel bad for blaming my mother. I understand that she was brought up by fear tactics and when she first arrived to this country everything they told her was to influence more fear in her. But I’ve heard a handful of people say that she has kept me from some good opportunities. Whether financial or romantic. That’s just to say that we all have fault, but not all fault is caused by bad intentions. She has done all she has at hand based on her self and societal limitations. I’m grateful for her and all she is and does for me. Don’t get me wrong, we’ve been working on these ideals and breaking them down. I just take a bit longer to adjust even while knowing it’s what’s best for me.

Truly, I do wish to heal all the fear based trauma surrounding life, but most importantly friendship. I know I will. Yes some people have a family, but it’s not always the one you’re born with. I know for me I have to earn my family and that will come with opening up. A very tough thing for me. It’s hard to look at your reflection when it isn’t the image you fell in love with. But it’s worth seeing how much you’re worth despite/because of the ugly you carry. I have bee facing myself, now it’s time to let the world in so I can be free. Accepting outside criticism can also help my growth. And I will appreciate any guidance.

One of the reasons why I isolate myself when I feel at my worst is because I don’t like the presentation. It’s like a chef throwing out the first ugly pancake every time. The perfectionism along with my great listening skills but no understanding skills bring this: I remember having a conversation with my friend about how the friend who she currently doesn’t speak to was bumming her out. She would find herself having fights with her and not enjoying herself around her. She a was also debating whether or not to invite another friend to a get together because of how down she can bring the mood. All this lead me to feel like I only have value when I bring comfort and joy to people. Which means trying to be less open about issues going on with me because I felt like that would be a downer, sometimes I get a bit defensive about my mistakes which has lead to mini arguments with others so I didn’t want to risk that!! But she accepts and loves me. I know that. She went miles high for me and when I get the chance I’ll jump as high as she needs me to.