3 am thoughts about friends, the future, and feelings

none of the names i use here are their real names

im not thinking of much right now to be honest, other than how uncomfortable my bed is right now and how id like to have another shower. im going to the lake tomorrow with my friend spade. i also want to go to walmart to get real important stuff like capri suns and fruit. i dont know if im going to do that tomorrow or not though, since if i get perishables im gonna have to drive back home and put them all away and then go back out. also im nervous about spending my money. 

i want to have my other friend meow over at my house before he leaves to go back to michigan. meow leaves on friday and ive only seen him once. i feel like we arent as close as we used to be but i dont know how to fix that.

speaking of not feeling as close to people, ive felt sort of annoyed with my friend canis. he hasnt done anything in particular, i just am not feeling it i guess. this happens to other people too and goes away after a while so i dont think its anything serious. maybe splitting. i have been off my meds for a while now (unwillingly) so i dont even question anything anymore.

shrugs

i should play my bass more. i suck, and i cant suck if i wanna tell people im a cool hot sexy bass player in a cool hot sexy band. im a little doubtful about it honestly. as much as its my dream to make music i know i'll probably never get to the point where its my job. i feel selfish and lazy to not want to have a normal job but it just sounds like hell. nothing people say makes me feel any better either. people say life just gets worse and that you just have to accept it and learn to deal with it. what if i cant? what if i dont want to? maybe im still childish, im only 18. my favorite people not giving up on their dreams makes me want to try and succeed, but the mass amounts of people who will never make it makes me feel foolish for considering i could be one of the lucky ones. i dont have the talent, why should i try when even people who DO have it never get big? now, i dont want to be popular to fuel a selfish desire of being worshipped or something. i just want to make a change in the world, but i wont listen to myself when i say im just like everyone else. what change could i bring that someone else could already do? a part of me says "i need you to take me seriously, just for a moment" but i dont think ive ever had anything profound to say, or anything in my creations. i so desperately want to be one of a kind. i want to be like the people i idolize so heavily. to the point where i may lose myself, but i never knew who he was in the first place. "myself" is an amalgamation of things i like at the current time, but it changes. and it changes rapidly. theres a new person in my skin 365 times a year.

i feel like im not talented enough, or hardworking enough. some people are born with being able to learn instruments quickly and easy. it just makes sense to them. other people arent born with that, but they practice enough to fill in the gaps. i was born with learning how to draw easily, but it did not carry over to instruments. i was so used to immediate satisfaction and success ive forgotten how to have patience. when i dont understand something at once, i get frustrated and cant try again. 

my brain's decided its done with this topic