on belonging

gonna do a deeply personal blog because why not

i was taken out of school early as a child because i was being bullied basically every day. most days i would come home crying. i requested home school so often but i deeply regret it, even though i wasn't even 10 yet making these requests. i didn't know it at the time but that would be the last time in my life i would be surrounded by peers of my own age. my parents made no attempts to socialize me further.

so i've sat here for my entire life, essentially observing society from outside of it. i feel unreal here. adrift at sea for miles.

so what happens when it's time to engage in the world? i'm not afraid of going outside or anything, but i can feel my body seize up and my mind race when it comes time to open my mouth. socialization is a foreign language to me. i've not learned the hierarchies or gendered social structure of american culture. nothing makes sense. you're telling me it's suspicious and feminine of me to emote further than blankness and anger? what?

it's at this point i wonder where to go. even online do i recluse and shy away even from people who consider me their friend. i think of myself as a storybook monster in a cave that refuses to come out. it's at this point i feel there is no place for me. and i don't blame it on others... i'm sure i'd find my place if i could overcome both 1. my fear of people 2. my disgust with people. i'm far too judgemental but i'm working on it.

it's been hard, especially transitioning. i already was confused on social structures but now i must see them from a completely opposite side. masculinity is so cold. my compliments come across creepy and "gay". being seen as a man, the unabashed bigotry and misogyny i hear coming from men i had thought were upstanding... it's appalling. i don't regret taking testosterone. but i miss when the world felt softer. maybe its childlike of me to think this about having been a girl, but i used to feel so approachable and gentle and free, but now that i love my body its like i have to hide myself from others so that i don't appear to be a threat.

i'm certain this is different amongst gay culture and life but i have no way of accessing that. i live in the south and i have no clue where the gay people go. it feels so imperative to hide here. i want to be where people like me are. free of the concept of gender that chains us down. free to express and be amazed by the wonders of the world. no judgement.

instead for now i'm embittered by it all. i literally am like this guy

which, again, My Fault, but when you've been isolated your whole life and have no way of broaching back in (can't drive, socially inept) can you blame me? i do my best to feel the love and spirit of humankind but with the way things are right now (most certainly its just my bad mood) it's hard to think anything other than "everyone hates eachother, i may as well lay in bed until i die".

expressing this helps a bit. because i Do want to socialize. it's just that i feel physical pain every time i try to. even with my friends. i want my friends to talk to me but the act of sending the first dm makes me want to explode. though the only way out of this hole i've been put into is to start climbing...

i hope this site helps with that... eventually. i'll re-learn to use forums and socialize like the good ol' days.