just like a woman

dear z,

i am so fully & completely tired. i went to the art museum last week for my birthday, and i wrote little letters in the gallery next to a painting of a man screaming for an hour. my mom asked to come with, and i feel so guilty about telling her i wanted to go alone. afterwards, i went to the gift shop and got little tchotchkes for everyone. when i gave one to my mom, she said “you should buy gifts for other people on your birthday, silly.”

juniper forgot my birthday. i wish i cared more, because i know i should be hell-hath-no furious about it but i just can’t be bothered. it took her forever to return my call, and she hung up early. then, we didn’t talk for a week again, even though i called her every day. 

my dad suggested that since i took off work on tuesday (for my birthday) i should pick up another shift to keep my hours up. 

my mom yelled at me today while i was still in bed for having her hairdryer. 

i keep going to bed as soon as i get home from things & i keep going out & i went to see a movie the other day & really i just paid eleven dollars to take a nap. 

my room is getting awful again, too. i only have two weeks to clean it before i leave & it should be this hard but it’s just so much and the only things my parents say to me these days are “you never talk to us anymore” and “your room is a mess, we want our house back” and “you need to work more”. it’s gotten so bad that the back-to-back doubles & 60 hour weeks don’t even drain me anymore. i am drained. 

last night, the restaurant sent me home early & so i went down to the grocery store & got sushi for dinner & then an iced tea and ate it in the parking lot. then i went home and my mom said “i can’t believe they sent you home that early.”

i need to actually start cleaning and packing again today but i don’t know if i can make myself do it. i want to just lay there or rot in the bathtub or something. 

everyone always wants me to talk about everything & i don’t want to talk about it i want to just let it sit & i want it to go away & i know that’s not the answer but it’s all i can manage right now. i can’t even make myself tell you everything here, where it doesn’t fucking matter. 

i spent half of yesterday looking for convents to join. i have this fucking urge right now to just… let someone tell me what to do and what to believe & i want to believe so fervently in something & to conceal myself in a way that makes me imperceptible & i want to just do what i’m told. 

oh, z.