word vomit 7/29/23

HI i had a lot more caffeine than i usually do today and im in a very weird state of mind 

ed/alcohol/drug mentions below please proceed w caution!

i also didnt really eat a whole lot (probably from the caffeine) and i started kind of falling back into old thoughts. i think i might have accidentally triggered myself somehow? maybe it was the caffeine or maybe it was bc i ate a cliff bar for the first time since i kind of worked through some eating issues. 

which feels so shitty to say bc like.... they werent my issues? ive never really had a bad relationship with food but i was so close to so many people that did. but now that im thinking about it i definitely should have done more. i was all for my ex eating healthy until he wasn't eating at all and we were substituting entire meals for protein bars instead of making dinner and just living off of energy drinks and alcohol.

i caught myself thinking about king falls am again. i havent thought abt that podcast in YEARS; it wasnt mine! i was only half invested. i loved the concept but i only listened to it with my ex. it was his thing. i wish i could go back and enjoy it again bc god the plot was so well-written from what i can remember but i think if i heard those voices again i might throw up -_-

anyway i don't know where i was going with this. on a much lighter note im meeting up w someone i met on tinder tomorrow and im really excited bc nicks gonna be there :D we have no idea what we're doing yet but im hyped to meet her. im also super fuckung nervous though bc (again) shes kiind of friends w my ex's boyfriend so by default shes friends w my ex. but ig being super close to nick now (who is also close to my ex's bf) i should just come to terms w the fact that im probably gonna run into him again. i dont want to avoid him forever honestly. i want to be able to be civil with him. i think i could forgive him for everything he's done to me but i don't ever want to put myself in that situation again. im my own bitch now and i have to own that and not let myself fall off the wagon. being his friend is falling off the wagon. i think if he ever tried to talk to me in person i would cry lol 

im tryin to keep focusing on the positives. the puppysittings almost over thank GOD cuz holy fuck its been hell, cant wait til it ends. some time tomorrow my grammas coming to stay with us until thursday too so ummmmmm we'll see how that goes! ill probably make another one of these in a couple of days :p

byeeeed