fear and pain

i think because my life has been changing so much, i've been confronted with a lot of fear and pain. my mind always makes it worse than it actually is. when you sit down and ask yourself "what's the worst that can actually happen?" you may find that it's not as bad as you believe it is. 

my body seems to be hard-wired to avoid fear and pain to the best of its ability, even in the smallest most insignificant situations. i guess it's trying to protect me, but it's actually making everything worse.

i'm an artist and i have a strong creative urge to share my art with the world, but i can't bear to see peoples' reactions to anything tied to my name. i find it hard to reconcile the fact that, by consequence of being alive, i will make waves in the lives of other people, whether or like it or not.

i'm terrified of being seen; remaining unseen is what allowed me to live as long as i have. i was born into a world filled with bloodshed, violence, and different types of suffering tailored just for me. i didn't feel any emotion until i was 18 years old.

and now, several years after that, a lot of the layers i had have washed away, and now i'm left with vestiges of myself. it's difficult to explain any of this to people i know. (people irl don't really take me seriously anyway). but that's fine, i suppose. no matter how much i want to be understood, i also want to remain unknown and out of reach. i'm afraid of what might happen if i wasn't.