living with ptsd (vent)

having ptsd is crazy because i just spent the last 2 days or so crying and reacting to events that actually happened years ago as if they were occurring right now. lately i've been plagued by all sorts of uncomfortable emotions, and i don't always know why.

sometimes a flashback will have the memory of an event attached to it, but more often than not, it just feels like intense dread, pain, sadness, fear or anxiety creeping up on me for no reason. even just sitting in my room, these feelings will swarm me and take over sometimes. 

when i was younger, i didn't know i had ptsd and these feelings would often drive me to self-destructive behaviours, but i don't do that anymore. but still, it's really uncomfortable to experience all this. 

i can often brush all these feelings aside, but that's still uncomfortable. it's like trying not to cry when you really need to. so lately i've been allowing myself to feel all of these overwhelming emotions of shame, grief, loss, sadness, fear, dread, and anxiety tied to a younger version of myself that no longer exists. i think little by little, it's helping. hopefully one day i won't have to feel like this anymore.